I'm having one of those days where I'm just not okay. Nothing particularly awful, and not okay. I wish I understood why I feel like I do sometimes. There are days when I feel top of the world, and others when I feel worthless.
I mean, get offered a penny and feel like I need give change days.
I'm doing something that I love. I'm getting paid pretty well to do it. I have good people in my life. Nothing has side-swiped me, and yet, man that person staring back at me is just screaming at the top of her lungs.
Why am I here?
What is my purpose?
What will it take to feel successful and accomplished?
Why am I even having an issue when there seems to be no reason why?
I get so frustrated on days like this. It's hard to write because I can't focus. I don't really feel all that romantic on days like these.
Mostly, all I want to do, is go outside, drink wine from the bottle, and give the world the bird. No, not the bird, the whole freaking flock.
Tomorrow will be better. Somehow, someway tomorrow will be better. I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I hope I don't trip over my own feet between now and then.
Tru is out! It feels good to have a start to a new series. I've said it before, but I don't know that it'll ever get easier hitting the publish button.
This next part, I had typed up for my newsletter, and I stopped.
It's strange to me that I'd pick a career (that I love) that opens me up to public criticism. I've spent most of my life desperate to be loved. So heartsick that sometimes, it's hard to know if I'm actually seeing myself in the mirror or the product of 47-years of desperation.
I'm talking about how excited I am that I've started a new series and it hits me as I read back over what I've just typed.
Giddyness is being swallowed by insecurities.
Did I write a good book? I tried.
Will people still want to read my books? I hope so.
Is my best just good enough or is my best really my best? How do I judge that?
Sometimes, I think we're warring internally and don't even know it until we sit down and have a moment of peace and quiet.
God forgive me for throwing my blessings back in Your face.
It's one of those contemplative days. The kind where you're tired, but your mind is filled with things that need a sharper mind. Things that range from heavy subjects to ridiculously light subjects.
I have a weekly Bible study. We get together, have a meal, and then study. We've been on Acts the last few weeks. The last chapter was talking about Peter. His shadow would fall on people, and they were healed.
The leaders were angry because of the signs and wonders happening. They had the apostles jailed and flogged. These men were freed and rejoiced because they were worthy of being disgraced for just speaking Jesus's name.
I'm a glass half empty sort of gal. If the shoe is going to drop, it won't be one; it'll be every single pair in the closet.
Jesus knew what my faults, my attitude, everything that makes me unworthy. And yet, He knew me in the womb and still loves me. He still died for me. He knew I'd find it hard to rejoice in suffering.
He still died for me.
Sometimes, the heaviness of the world pushes in on me, squeezing my soul like grapes in a press. But I know the winemaker, and He knows me.
I have no idea why I shared all that. It was just what I've been thinking about, without even knowing I was. Does that make sense? I'm troubled in my spirit, not knowing the exact words of why. Then they hit, and I know it was this moment and not a minute sooner than the words came.
Hopefully, this time next week, I'm celebrating finishing the book I'm writing. You all have a good weekend and a blessed week.
We had snow this past week. Lots of it too. I love it when it snows. The quiet because everyone is inside. How the sky looks pink and blue. I call it snow sky. You know it's coming and that it's going to blanket the whole place. The grease stains in your driveway, all the leaves that have fallen since it turned cold--the ones you haven't raked up yet, and it takes the mundane and gives it a fantasy type feel. My daughter was thrilled because she got to make a Godzilla snowman.
Plus, the crisp air. The chance to use a fireplace if you have one. It's just pretty. We don't get these snow days often, but I sure enjoy it when we do.
Those pictures of the sky were the day after it snowed, and it was past nine at night. The reflection off the powder created that. Neat, right? It looked so odd, knowing it was supposed to be pitch black by then, but no, it was so light.
Okay, I'll go. I'm more than a quarter of the way through the next Guardian Group book. I hope to finish it by the 29th to have it to my editor before my birthday. (I'm at least going to try very hard.)
I've tried to write a note several times now, and it's just not happening.
Instead, I'm going to speak a blessing.
May this year bring you joy, peace, strength, happiness, success, and love.
May your heart find quiet whatever storms may come.
Peace, love, and joy, to you and yours.
Well, as the headline states, Bandit's story is here. *huge sigh*
I hope with all that's in me that it's everything you've been waiting for. Admittedly, I'm partial to it because I love the characters. Bandit is just a good guy, and Skye is a sweet woman with curves. I think they compliment each other so well.
I hate cleaning house. I hate it. It's not a one and done type thing, ya know? Sweeping, mopping, wiping down counters, and all that jazz. It'd be different if I could put saran wrap over things. You know, as they did in the '70s. I really think they were ahead of their time. Granted, one drink spill on the saran-wrapped floor, and you'd either be playing Twister or slip and slide. Talk about throwin' a hip!
It's my oldest's birthday party on Saturday. So, we're getting the house ready for a few people to come over. Thing is, by the time they leave, you'll never know the floor was swept or mopped. Not that I don't want people coming over, just...sometimes, it's like making the bed. Why? I'm just going to use it again tonight. Seems like a waste of time.
Well, November rolled in with a bang, huh? One thing you can say about this year is that there weren't any dull moments.
I voted, and then I spent the last two days fretting a little, but you know what? There's not a diddly thing I can do more. I did what I was supposed to do, and now, it is what it is.
What can I do? I can write stories, put puzzles together, and have family time with my girls watching Ed, Edd, and Eddy on Amazon Prime. I can have my Bible study on Friday nights. I can do exciting things like pick up hairballs my cats so lovingly leave around the house.
There is nothing on this earth I can change about what is happening, but I can change how I react to it. As I get older, that little gem my mom gave me becomes more and more true. All in all, it's well with my soul and I know who holds the future.
Well, that's my ramblings for the day.