I'm having one of those days where I'm just not okay. Nothing particularly awful, and not okay. I wish I understood why I feel like I do sometimes. There are days when I feel top of the world, and others when I feel worthless.
I mean, get offered a penny and feel like I need give change days.
I'm doing something that I love. I'm getting paid pretty well to do it. I have good people in my life. Nothing has side-swiped me, and yet, man that person staring back at me is just screaming at the top of her lungs.
Why am I here?
What is my purpose?
What will it take to feel successful and accomplished?
Why am I even having an issue when there seems to be no reason why?
I get so frustrated on days like this. It's hard to write because I can't focus. I don't really feel all that romantic on days like these.
Mostly, all I want to do, is go outside, drink wine from the bottle, and give the world the bird. No, not the bird, the whole freaking flock.
Tomorrow will be better. Somehow, someway tomorrow will be better. I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I hope I don't trip over my own feet between now and then.
Tru is out! It feels good to have a start to a new series. I've said it before, but I don't know that it'll ever get easier hitting the publish button.
This next part, I had typed up for my newsletter, and I stopped.
It's strange to me that I'd pick a career (that I love) that opens me up to public criticism. I've spent most of my life desperate to be loved. So heartsick that sometimes, it's hard to know if I'm actually seeing myself in the mirror or the product of 47-years of desperation.
I'm talking about how excited I am that I've started a new series and it hits me as I read back over what I've just typed.
Giddyness is being swallowed by insecurities.
Did I write a good book? I tried.
Will people still want to read my books? I hope so.
Is my best just good enough or is my best really my best? How do I judge that?
Sometimes, I think we're warring internally and don't even know it until we sit down and have a moment of peace and quiet.
God forgive me for throwing my blessings back in Your face.